haha. this made me laugh

Eastlake Slips Away With A Win
Sept. 16 2005
AP-

After the thunderous crowds abandoned Eastlake High School, one played remained on the turf, staring at his expensive playing field which had been paid for by his father who often recieves sexual favors from his secretary and made his fortune by exploiting child labor in Taiwan. "Wow. I really can't believe we won this one. I mean, I know we were undefeated, but...we suck ass. It just doesnt make sense," said Jack Brinck, a senior quarterback for Eastlake. Brinck threw for a pair of touchdowns and passed for two more as a lucky Eastlake defeated the obviously superior Inglemoor Vikings.

"This is what I was hoping for tonight. I was a bit suprised though, as for the longest time I thought that most of my players had significant mental issues. But they fought through them , and we have a win to show for it. Thank god the WIAA hasnt caught our 17 starters who use steroids and heroin!" said Eastlake Coach Tom Daltry. This was Eastlakes first victory over a good team, and there is certianly going to be a investigation as to why. The turnout of Inglemoor fans took away all home field advantage from the drooling and pitiful Eastlake crowd. However, even the victorious Eastlake crowd had concerns following the game.

"What bums me out is how lame our mascot is. I mean come on, its a wolf. How dumb is that. There are pictures of legendary Vikings riding wolves, like, for fun. They should have kicked our ass just on principle of how stupid our mascot is. Eh, i'm not complaining, just being from Eastlake, im used to complete and utter failures." said Eastlake student Aaron Schwartz, decked out in the school colors of putrid bright-highlighter-lime-green and maroon. After the game, Aaron was seen walking home with the wolf mascot to play a rousing game of Magic: The Gathering while drinking skim milk. Aaron said he planned to follow this up with some crying over how sad his life was.

The only thing more regrettable than Inglemoors play was the halftime show, which was highlighted by Eastlake's "Strippers-In-Training" club preforming to modern hip-hop tracks. After the preformance, the girls waited in the locker rooms to give the traditional Eastlake victory striptease for the football players. The offensive and defensive lines also recieved oral sex.

However, even in loss, the might Inglemoor Vikings proved once again why they are far and away the best high school football team inthe universe. They brought out a massive number of students to a distant stadium for a early season game. The Cheer Squad and Naked Viks were in their usual fine form. Caleb Jessup continued his run for KingCo MVP, Adam Fermstad showed fine leadership throughout the game, even when the odds were insurmountable. Rick Parent, as always, verbally abused every starting member of Eastlakes team as well as a few assistant coaches. In fact, Eastlakes starting Linebacker Ed Donatell was quoted as saying,
"Well guys, we won tonight. But this doesnt change the fact that im ugly and I cant get laid. And Rick Parent slept with my mom...and my dad." He then began to sob.

All in all, a fine example of Friday Night Football, with everything going well except for the final score. We here at Associated Press look forward to next week, when the Vikings get their revenge on the poor, poor Woodinville Falcons.

Inglemoor (2-1)